the beautiful ones always smash the picture

Well, this is me attempting to post about something other than girls, how much I like this one particular girl, and telling you about all the awesome times we're having so far. Shit, I think I just failed...

- ~ -

It has come to my attention that many, many people are now reading this blog, much to my surprise. I think it's kind of funny, too, that barely anyone talks to me about it, much less comments - and even those who do are often anonymous. As for said anonymous comments, I would frankly rather have those than none at all; and you do a good job of masking yourselves (sometimes).

I think the Sister was right when she warned me a couple months ago about saying too much on this here blog - I, of course, said "I'm not too worried about it," hubristically - that being said, though, I am not ashamed nor embarrassed about anything I've posted here. It's been my honest expression of what would otherwise likely have been solely internal rumblings, and a much needed one. The fact that people I didn't intend to read the blog are now reading it at first gave me pause; I hoped I hadn't said something I would regret upon an exploration of the archives, and though there's probably one instance of this, I will not go back and delete any posts due to such a fear (okay, that was a lie; I actually did delete one post, but not for that specific reason).

I would like to make clear that it's okay if you told someone about this blog, if you shared a link or something. I never intentionally kept this a secret - though when I shared it with a few friends early on, I believe I indicated it was semi-private. I'm not mad, I think is what I'm trying to say, if any of you were worried.

That being said, however, I'm not ready yet to share this with the world; I'm not ready to recognize to anyone and everyone that I am indeed Addled of Addled and Inane, and just be all out in the open with it. I have really enjoyed the intimate nature of this blog, over the summer, especially, through the CPP saga and such. It's been really nice knowing I'm writing for a select few, scattered across the country, and local. Now that I know so many other people are reading, will my thoughts change, or my expressions, anyway? I sort of hope not. Maybe we should all pretend it's still just those precious few who are special enough to be let in on my deep, and not-so-deep thoughts.

I suppose the one thing I would worry about is girl-of-the-present reading this, though, again, I've said nothing to embarrass myself or endanger what's between us. Right? Haven't I said only positive things? Nevertheless, it might prove awkward were she to stumble upon the blog and read all my musings. For all I know, though, she's already an avid reader. A good friend said two incredibly wise things last night, and the relevant one here is this: "There are no secrets in law school." Damn, so true.

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The other wise thing he said I want to recount here real quick, simply due to its intrinsic worth. I'd never heard such a simple, yet brilliant explanation for a quirk of the human condition.

I was explaining the circumstances of the girl asking me out - the short version is that she was told to stay the fuck away from me from two independent sources - and we began discussing the phenomenon of girls being attracted to assholes. This is just a truism, and anyone who is past puberty for any significant amount of time will recognize it.

Me, of course, being a life-long "nice guy", has always been confused, and frankly, upset at this. I've never understood it, and when I expressed such befuddlement to the wise one, saying, "I have never understood this. Why are women like that?" He looked at me and said, simply, "Because they're as stupid as we are." Brilliant.

- ~ -

So, I thought I would be immune to the third-year apathy. I was looking forward to school, and not just to see all my friends, but to get back into the routine of classes, learning, interacting with professors. But, uh, I am not enjoying this shit. Point in fact - I'm skipping a class right now, a class I promised someone I'd take notes for them in.

There is one class I am really enjoying, one in my chosen future field, so that makes some sense. It's a tiny class, too, so there's lots of discussion, which I enjoy. Hell, I'm a talker, and in that class I may be considered a Gunner. That's okay, I'm allowed. Why? I don't know.

But the rest of my classes? Suckfest. Boring. Barely doing the reading, surfing the internet for most of the hour +. What's the remedy? I don't know. I do need to get motivated for the paper I'll be writing, for that is going to be a lot of work. I think once I get going it should be good, though; I have a habit of being a slow starter, but once my momentum gets going I'm usually pretty studious.

- ~ -

Well, I think that's enough for now. Have a fantabulous Labor Day weekend, everyone!

it's my birthday too, yeah

Well, I am yet another year older, just as happy as I was a year ago, though probably happier. Things seem to be going well for me lately, and I'm trying to enjoy it and not wait for the other shoe to drop. That seems to be counterintuitive, and wouldn't let me enjoy the gifts given me. (that sounded cheesy, but I mean it.)

Saturday night my friends surprised me at one bar, then a bunch more surprised me at another bar. What a great night - I think I described it to a nonattendee as such: "I drank, smoked, talked, enjoyed being friends with my friends. Pretty well perfect." I think that's a good description, actually. I didn't need a whole lot of excitement, sky diving or hot air balloons - just my friends. And that I got, in spades.

Things continue to go well with the girl. Surprisingly so, actually. I described it, I think directly to her, as being rather blindsided. Where the hell did this come from? One second she asks me out, the next we're going out, and now all of a sudden we seem to be really into each other. Of course, I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, jump in too fast, or, as a friend puts it, "frontloading." It's tough, as it always has been for me - though at the same time we're never at school together, so that helps. The vast majority of our getting to know each other time has taken place via e-mail and text message (god bless her, she respects the fact that I hate talking on the phone).

The most confusing thing has been why I don't seem to feel the same as I had after CPP - I'm sure you all remember, I felt like playing the field, like being nobody's boyfriend. But now I'm wonderng if I just felt like that towards EG - sorry, EG! Or maybe it would have been anyone with whom I didn't click. Also, she seems to be in the same space that I have been in recently, and now feeling the same as I am now. We just seem to be on the same page, here, so I'm attempting to keep a level head while at the same time wondering how I got so lucky.

Of course, there's still the issue of our mutual friend, with whom I don't think there's been a conversation. And there's other opportunities for disaster and drama, which I won't get into right now...but I'll tell that whole story at some point. I'm just...content right now, with the potential for a lot of happiness.

Hey, this was a short post! How do you like that.

spend your time asking everyone's permission, then runaway and hide

Well, interesting things have been transpiring, to say the least, as the Summer of AddledTM segues into the Autumn of AddledTM - not the least of which is the fact that school has started. Only been to four classes so far, but I think they'll be good. Haven't yet started the writing of the law review article, which I'm sure will be kicking my ass forthwith.

But this is no academic blog, is it? You don't come here to hear about my reading or worries about preparedness for class, do you? No, you come here for the juicy details of my personal/social life. So here's some more.

Notwithstanding that there's a bit more to the tale of EG, I went out for drinks last night with a girl. I'd admired this girl (for whom we may possibly have to choose a moniker, stay tuned) from afar nearly all of last year. She's a year behind me in school, and quite the head-turner. But I never had the nerve to ask her out or anything, so I let it go. Also, last year she thought I was engaged, for some odd reason, but that's neither here nor there.

Now, this girl knew EG from work a couple years back, which is somewhat interesting. At a party last weekend which both EG and this girl attended, they hugged and chatted, and, apparently, EG told her straightaway not to get involved with me - strange, from my perspective, and hers as well, as there was nothing between us at this time. But EG told her don't get involved, he seems nice but he's really an asshole (yep, there's a little more to that story, I guess). Again, kind of strange.

The other part goes like this: a friend of this girl's is a close friend of mine. We only started talking this past summer, but for some reason we just clicked - as friends. I really really like her a lot, and value her friendship highly. I never felt any sort of spark between us, and I never thought she did either - but I was wrong about that. So very, very wrong, as I was informed by this girl (yeah, she needs a designation - 'this girl' ain't cutting it) last weekend. She's never expressed any sort of romantic feeling for me, and I've expressed to her my interest in any number of women, but never her. Nevertheless, she apparently still harbors these feelings for me, and has told her friends, including this girl, not to go after me, nor flirt with me, or do anything to encourage me.

So, back to that party, and it's in full swing before I get a chance to chat her up a bit. I approach her amongst many groups of people chatting, and we chat, and I admit I'm a little tipsy here, but I probably get a little flirty, as I'm wont to do. In fact, I tell her - honestly, with zero expectation that it would lead to anything - how I've always thought she was so beautiful, just a real knockout. She thanks me, trying be as demure as possible. She then, after a bit more chatting, points out her date who is sitting alone in the corner of the room - but not so far away that he can't see me flirting with her. I laugh, excuse myself, and we go our separate ways.

What I didn't know at the time was her directive from two separate friends to stay the hell away from me. So there we are, chatting, me flirting, her daring not to, for both EG and the other friend are in the room apparently shooting her the death glare. I just have to laugh at this situation, you've gotta admit it's pretty funny.

Next day, I get an e-mail from the girl, more or less saying, hey, nice to see you last night, I wish we could've talked more, there were things I wish I could have said but was restrained, how'd you like to go get a drink sometime? I reply, hell to the yeah. It was in this exchange that I was informed there was a friend of hers who had a crush on me, and that's why she couldn't really say things in mixed company. Okay, I understand. Later that night she told me who it was, and we talked electronically about how damn that sucks, I don't want to risk a friendship over an unrequited crush.

Fast forward to last night. No, wait - let me tell you about my state of mind in between: I was interested in this girl, no doubt, but my head also kept making a list of all the reasons why it would be a terrible idea for us to date, not the least of which is the age difference - nearly ten years. Ten frigging years - I'm sure at least a couple of you are shaking your heads right now, thinking, yes, Addled, ten years is too much. She's practically a baby!

Other reasons? My lack of interest in being anyone's boyfriend right now; the EG/other friend situation; that I'm a year ahead of her in school; actually, there were more, but for some reason I can't remember them right now. Why is that, ya think? I think it's because I had such a great time with her last night. I was expecting an immature girl, unwise in the ways of the world, but instead I found a very, very sharp young woman, one who had no problem keeping up with me, and in fact who gave as good as she got. I'm a teaser, I like to poke at people, and she poked right back.

I found out she is basically feeling the same way I am right now - not super interested in a relationship, but maybe open to the possibility. She's been on a few dates with a few different guys lately, guys who, according to her, are all interested in reeling her in. She hasn't been interested in defining what these dates are to her - just hangin', to her, apparently. It was for this reason I had no idea how to classify what it was we were doing, but until the very end of the night, I didn't care too much, I was having such a good time.

But there's always the end of the night, isn't there? She dropped me off at home (hate not having a car), and we talked for a while, until I gathered the nerve t kiss her - wondering if that was on her agenda, or if she was just hangin'. Well, it was on her agenda, thankfully. It was a nice little kiss, or series thereof - nothing too passionate, nor held back. Not the best kiss, either, and though I hesitate to blame her, necessarily, if we end up doing this again, we're going to have to work on her technique.

Final thoughts. I got the feeling she asked me out because she wasn't supposed to - forbidden fruit? That's what it seemed like. Does this bother me? I have to admit, it does a little. Really just a tiny, tiny bit. Am I interested in this girl? Yes. To what extent? I have no idea - I think it's a wait-and-see kind of thing. Also, we may have to fly under the radar if this is going to happen, which both sort of sucks and is kind of enticing - again, forbidden fruit always tastes better than you think. I'm sure there's all sorts of psychological interpretations to be had here, and if anyone is interested in analyzing, please have at it.

Whew! The Autumn of AddledTM is off to a fantastic start.

I'm an ocean, I'm all emotion...I'm a cherry ghost

So, I think I may not blog about the rest of my trip. Suffice it to say, it was a blast. Most of you got pictures, and if anyone else wants some, leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail and I'll send you the snapfish link.

-~-~-

So, I've been writing this post since the 6th, and I keep losing interest, but I do have a little update on EuroGirl, which is kind of interesting. Actually quite a bit has happened, since I haven't posted in so long (tumbleweeds and crickets noted, girls).

So, where I last left this story, EuroGirl had more or less put an end to things, for the second time. I was fine with this; while I enjoyed what was going on between us (friends with benefits? F-buddy?), I couldn't take the leap to the next step, doing boyfriend type things. So I shrugged it off, tried to think of my next goal.

Fast forward to the next Friday. A lot of us have been doing happy hour around town, and happy hour usually leads to staying out until the bars close. We were at our second place (I'd asked out our waitress from the first place - she said she had a boyfriend) when she shows up - it wasn't uncomfortable or anything, and I was glad about that. We actually had a lot of fun, until she got rip-roaring drunk, which was kind of sad - I've never liked it when girls can't handle their liquor. I was keeping my distance, or at least trying, but she stumbled at me and just laid her mouth right on me - I have to admit, I didn't resist much. I did try to say things like, "We're not allowed to be doing this" and similar things, but to no avail.

I felt a sort of responsibility to her - to get her home, or to get her somewhere safe, cause she was one more drink away from falling down and passing out. Without the requisite cash for a cab and without the will to try to walk her home, I get her to my house. The trip home, in someone else's car, was ridiculous - she kept yelling about how much she wanted/needed pasta. It's got to be around 12:30 or 1am at this point - and I have no pasta in my house. Then I had to practically peel her off the grass in the front yard and get her inside; then she all but passed out in the bathroom.

Anyway, that night, nothing happened - I would never take advantage, and I'm sure all my faithful readers know that about me. The next morning, however, she was left at my house without a ride home (too far to walk); we called a mutual friend who's usually willing to give rides like these. But we hung out all morning - drank coffee, smoked cigarettes, listened to music, played cards, etc. All under the impression that we were no longer "hooking up," if you'll pardon the expression.

Don't ask me how this next part happened - I'm still a little fuzzy on it myself - but we ended up taking a mid-morning nap on my living room floor, without many clothes on. It was kind of hot, I mean temperature-wise, so maybe that's why. In hindsight, I think she was trying to seduce me. It worked.

Cut to after. I think I must've expressed some sort of "wow, we shouldn't have done that" sort of feeling, because the next thing to come out of her mouth was, "well, it's okay, cause I realized that I'm not actually into you, so it's okay if we just do it on occasion." Huh...well, that works for me, right? Isn't that exactly what I wanted? Yes, yes it is.

A little more than a week later, and we got together again to help a mutual friend move. After, he bought us pizza and beer, which turned into more beer, and watching a movie. For what it's worth, for the first time in I don't know how long, I decided to be the responsible one and stop drinking - seeing EG keep drinking made me realize she would need someone to driver her home.

So, we go to my place, and the inevitable happens. It's just our pattern - friends, alcohol, hookup. It's happened many times. The next evening was the same thing - a traditional Tuesday night trivia at a bar; this time, however, we were within walking distance to her house, and that's where we ended up (we didn't have sex that night, though, for reasons which are beyond me; I wonder if she wanted to abstain to lure me in further).

Now, before I go any further, I need to recognize that most, if not all of my readers are female, so perhaps you won't really understand where I'm coming from. Most of the girls friends I've spoken to about this don't necessarily take her side, but they certainly understand her side a lot better.

See, on both of these recent evenings, at some point I mentioned to EG other girls - someone I thought attractive, a girl who'd been flirting mercilessly with me (she was married, and that's not a good idea); the second night I opened up to her about my true feelings for her - how I found it really strange why I didn't like her more than I did, etc., all things I've said here before. Now, in hindsight, this was pretty stupid and insensitive. But remember, I'm coming from her last statements about how she wasn't into me.

But, alas, alack, she was. On Friday last, there were a bunch of us out. I didn't invite her out, for various reasons. But there she was, out! with the rest of us. And I could tell, almost from the beginning, she was pissed. She's not the type of gal who's real fun to be around when she gets this way, let me tell you. I attempted some conversation through the night, but she was having none of it.

We went to the next place, which is the type of place, at least at this time, which was packed - and seemingly with all 21-25 year-olds - not exactly my scene anymore, if it ever was. I squeezed my ass through the crowd to where our group was sitting, said hi to a few people, surveyed how long it would take me to get a drink, and decided retreat was my best option. I wasn't going to have any fun there.

So I left. (not too long a walk home). A couple blocks away and she calls - why didn't you say goodbye? Well, sorry. Goodbye! A few minutes later she calls again, and here's where the crazy started pouring out like a burst dam. Now, I realize she'd been drinking a bit, and though she didn't seem that drunk when I left, this girl does have the ability to go from zero to wasted in the blink of an eye, so I'm willing to believe that alcohol played a big part in her crazy.

Anyway, it all came pouring out - why do you tell me about other girls, why are you cold in the mornings, why didn't you tell me about tonight? It wasn't just all that, she was actually misstating the facts - e.g., don't tell me about girls you go home with (I haven't gone home with anyone but her; if I did, a) I wouldn't tell her about it, and b) I wouldn't sleep with two girls at the same time*). It just went on and on and on - but I was arguing with her too (who's the bigger fool? the fool, or the fool who argues with the fool?), in an apparent effort to try to save some of my own dignity, and to prevent being the bad guy in this whole scene.

We argues and yelled, her, I was assuming in front of the bar, me, walking down the path by the river, passing people every once in a while who probably thought I was crazy or understood exactly what was going on (a couple dudes I passed). It finally got to a point where logic wasn't getting through, and I had to dismiss the conversation. She, and perhaps both of us, needed to stop talking and give it some time. Yeah, I hung up on her, and I really didn't want to, but there was to be no resolution on that phone call.

I was supremely pissed off, which made the walk a little easier. I called some other friends, who'd been with us earlier but peeled off to go to a bar that just happened to be near my house. They were still there, so I decided to go drown my anger a little more. As I approached the place, I looked inside, and upon seeing people, I realized that being around anyone was a really bad idea. I walked home and passed out.

Actually, before passing out, I shot her one last text: "I didn't mean to hurt you; I hope you believe that." I got a return text at some point during the night that said something to the effect of, "what hurt me most was our conversation, and I initiated that." Now just what the fuck did that mean? I'm not sure, and I'm not sure I care. Her little hissy fit/drama spewing was way too over the top for me. I could handle the "I don't want to be the hookup" then hooking up; I'm not interested in "we can be physical without emotional consequences" when it's a lie.

Final thoughts? I hope EG and I can be cool again. I think it'll take some time, though. Her roommate is a good friend, and I hope she's cool to me too; I'm not terribly confident about that one. I've discussed the situation with a few people and for the most part it's been split upon gender lines - the dudes are on my side, and the ladies - even those who don't particularly like EG - understand her position a lot more than mine.

So what do y'all think? Was I an asshole? A heel? A man? That last one was said with a hint of disgust. Which is one of the more starnge things about the EG saga; it's so not who I am, who I've been. Is this me for the rest of my life? For a while? Until I find the next good thing? Huh. I've got a hell of a lot more to say about this, but frankly, it's taken a lot for me to write this, and some nudging from friends, so let me leave it here for a bit, and perhaps later I will provide some more of my thoughts and feelings on the subject.


* well, I would, but - oh, you know what I mean.