A lovely night with CPP last night. Whenever we see each other now it's a little uncomfortable at first. In fact, I had gone for drinks with friends prior to our meeting; I called her after a while, thinking, come pick me up in 15 minutes, but I said how's about a half an hour? She said, yeah, half an hour, an hour, call me when you're done with your friends. 45 minutes later, I call. Another 45 minutes later she shows; I was annoyed. I thought of calling it off; I thought of walking to the store to annoy her back; none of these things would have been productive, and I remembered in the back of my mind how when she finally did show, I would feel better.
And I did. I tried to keep it light in an effort to fall back into the comfort zone we seem to find, even if after some period of unease. What is that? Why do we feel this way? I suppose I'm presuming she feels the same way as I; it is virtually unmistakable. This is actually only the second date we've been on since the slow-down (or the big freeze, as I sometimes think of it), so maybe we're finding a different kind of comfort level with each other now.
The night went well, we simply watched a movie (Black Snake Moan - surprisingly good, and it verged on greatness at times, only to be flung back into the realm of the ordinary as a result of the casting of one Justin Timberlake. What the fuck were they thinking with that one?). She showed me more pictures, something I'm coming to realize is one of her favorite activities - I think I've seen every pic in her house, and now more than a few she keeps online. We talked, and cuddled, and shared a few kisses.
At the end of the night we ended up talking about us, and the future. I found this very troubling, because I swore this would not happen. I don't remember how it started, if it was me or her, but I think it was her, so I feel less bad about it in that respect. Nevertheless, once that door is opened, I can't help but express myself. Those of you who know me (well, that's probably everyone who reads this) are probably aware that I talk a lot; that I have a lot to say; that I am never without an opinion or a thought I can express in no less than fifteen minutes...you get the picture.
I had to tell her that I understood, that I was okay with the way things were going. She said something that pops back into my head this morning - "don't lecture me on how you understand how busy I am, etc." - "lecture"? What the hell? Is that a comment on my verbosity? Or the tone I take sometimes when exercising said verbosity? My friend Matty (aka Henry, you know who I'm talking about, Jenny) and I were once walking through a grocery store; he started a topic of conversation, and I started my response with a pensive "Well..." He sighed and said something to the effect of, "oh, man, I know whenever you start out like that I'm going to get a long response..." He may as well have said "lecture." Jesus.
Back on topic. I tried to tell her, though I didn't actually go as far as saying this, that I was aware of, and comfortable with, the futility of our relationship. She said she didn't believe me; I'm not sure if I believe me, either. On the phone with Sis the other night, I came to the realization that this relationship would be over come September - probably earlier. I told her, as I did to CPP last night, a thought I'd had while walking from court the other day: "be patient, you'll have all the time in the world with her between August 1st and August 20th." This thought cracked me up - but neither Sis nor CPP got the joke. It's possible they're both a little slow (zing!). What is the joke? The futility of it all? I would call this exercise pointless, except it's not. I like her, and I know she likes me, as little as she may express it.
One more thing I'm thinking about. She became annoyed when she thought I had referred to her as my girlfriend. "I'm not your girlfriend," she says. This stems from a silly joke I made about 'my other girlfriend - and it wasn't for another hour or so that she had this reaction. My initial reaction was, yes you are - I'm not interested in seeing anybody else, and I presume she isn't either. Does that make us bf/gf?. My next reaction was, who gives a shit? Words, words words - nomenclature, it's a silly thing to get upset about.
Get to see her again tonight for the run, if only briefly, and in the company of others, when the freeze is especially chilly. But I'll take it.
edit to add: 6.29 - brrrr!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
but the tears on her cheek are from laughter
I should give a CPP update; as much as I would like to stop writing about her/us, the rest of my life seems pretty dull, and since most of my readers are women who love me, this kind of stuff should give you the opportunity to sigh and ponder relationships. Or at least remember when your relationship was young and troubled.
But troubled it may not be, necessarily. Last week of the drama, minor, yes, but drama all the same, resolved itself somewhat nicely. I saw her Sunday night, the e-mail, the e-mail exchanges, then not again until Thursday. Thursday nights, of course, are the group run night, and I, with some friends, like to stick around and drink. There has been other law students there only for the alcohol, and this past Thursday we drank with them - even though they were lowly 1Ls. (Okay, rising 2Ls, and it's time, I think, to bestow upon them the respect that is deserving of finishing your 1st year of law school. Also, at least this group, I like.)
Anyway, post-run interactions were uncomfortable at best. We had a hard time communicating, getting into the rhythm of our banter. When we joined the group we didn't talk at all - I knew/know she hates public displays, but the message I was getting was that it's not okay to indicate any sort of special friendship here. Now, in hindsight, I think I understand a little better - we were hanging with a group we hadn't been with before, and even though all but one were people she would likely never see again (past this summer), the one had been in her class, and frankly she strikes me as the gossiping type. Here's an interesting CPP quirk: she doesn't want to be gossiped about, and I mean she just despises that thought - but she's a huge gossip herself. She's full of little wrinkles like this; I find it very interesting.
I digress. I had expected a couple drinks, a brush of the hand as a substitute for a goodbye kiss; but she remained, kept ordering drinks, so I remained, waiting to see how the night would play out. We met towards the end of the evening alone in the hallway - I stopped, thinking it was private enough for a kiss, but no - a kiss on the cheek was all I would get. Yeah, I was a little frustrated, but my inexhaustible patience took over, and I shrugged it off. Patience will be the word of Summer 2007.
The party was breaking up. We paid our bills, the 1Ls dispersed, and CPP and I walked off together on a really lovely early summer evening. Turns out her car was back at school (a mile, maybe a little more, walk), so we walked there. This was an interesting walk - she stayed a few steps ahead of me virtually the whole time, smiling, happy, being goofy and talking to every one of the people we passed. It was nice, actually, even if alcohol-induced; so much of the CPP I see is stressed out, worried, cautious; tonight I got a little carefree, a little joy in the everyday. There was no substantive conversation on this walk; notwithstanding the fact that I have all but abandoned such talk, at the time it seemed inappropriate.
Arrival at the car - I tell her a hundred feet earlier that I'll walk home, it was nice to see you again; but she barters me into a ride home on the promise of coming in for a few minutes. So here's the substantive discussion - and mind you, I wasn't nervous about a bad substantive discussion, as it seems (upon retelling) this might be the case. Hell, any substantive discussion would quench my thirst a little. Can you tell I like the word "substantive" right now? Also, I've taken to "effectuate" and "pursuant (to)".
So, in short, this was what she said. Sorry I pulled a 180 on you, there. It probably would have happened whether or not you sent that e-mail (phew!). You were fantastic this past week. I actually remember other things about tat night more clearly than her exact words - funny, that. All I can say is that I was terribly relieved. It was especially nice to hear knowing she would be out of town until Sunday night.
I can't exactly tell you it's been a hell of a lot easier since then, though. That inexhaustible patience I mentioned is getting a workout, and I need to realize it's going to be like this for a long time; really, for the majority of time together.
I will say this though - we've talked on the phone every day since our first date. I'm pretty sure of that, maybe there was a day or two here or there. But that's a good thing, I think. Pretty good for me; I hate talking on the phone...I wonder if I'm just taking whatever I can from her right now, and if so, is that a bad thing? I don't like the lack of any semblance of control in this relationship - patience, patience - e.g., it felt like I got penciled into her datebook last night. (We're getting together Wednesday. I should be happy I got that much.)
The other option, I realize, is make a good faith effort to crank back my own feelings. Not to play it cool, to actually feel less strongly about/towards her.
Or, these two research projects could actually start, and I could spend time reading Establishment Clause and landlord/tenant cases instead of pondering the ins and outs of the heart of a CPP.
But troubled it may not be, necessarily. Last week of the drama, minor, yes, but drama all the same, resolved itself somewhat nicely. I saw her Sunday night, the e-mail, the e-mail exchanges, then not again until Thursday. Thursday nights, of course, are the group run night, and I, with some friends, like to stick around and drink. There has been other law students there only for the alcohol, and this past Thursday we drank with them - even though they were lowly 1Ls. (Okay, rising 2Ls, and it's time, I think, to bestow upon them the respect that is deserving of finishing your 1st year of law school. Also, at least this group, I like.)
Anyway, post-run interactions were uncomfortable at best. We had a hard time communicating, getting into the rhythm of our banter. When we joined the group we didn't talk at all - I knew/know she hates public displays, but the message I was getting was that it's not okay to indicate any sort of special friendship here. Now, in hindsight, I think I understand a little better - we were hanging with a group we hadn't been with before, and even though all but one were people she would likely never see again (past this summer), the one had been in her class, and frankly she strikes me as the gossiping type. Here's an interesting CPP quirk: she doesn't want to be gossiped about, and I mean she just despises that thought - but she's a huge gossip herself. She's full of little wrinkles like this; I find it very interesting.
I digress. I had expected a couple drinks, a brush of the hand as a substitute for a goodbye kiss; but she remained, kept ordering drinks, so I remained, waiting to see how the night would play out. We met towards the end of the evening alone in the hallway - I stopped, thinking it was private enough for a kiss, but no - a kiss on the cheek was all I would get. Yeah, I was a little frustrated, but my inexhaustible patience took over, and I shrugged it off. Patience will be the word of Summer 2007.
The party was breaking up. We paid our bills, the 1Ls dispersed, and CPP and I walked off together on a really lovely early summer evening. Turns out her car was back at school (a mile, maybe a little more, walk), so we walked there. This was an interesting walk - she stayed a few steps ahead of me virtually the whole time, smiling, happy, being goofy and talking to every one of the people we passed. It was nice, actually, even if alcohol-induced; so much of the CPP I see is stressed out, worried, cautious; tonight I got a little carefree, a little joy in the everyday. There was no substantive conversation on this walk; notwithstanding the fact that I have all but abandoned such talk, at the time it seemed inappropriate.
Arrival at the car - I tell her a hundred feet earlier that I'll walk home, it was nice to see you again; but she barters me into a ride home on the promise of coming in for a few minutes. So here's the substantive discussion - and mind you, I wasn't nervous about a bad substantive discussion, as it seems (upon retelling) this might be the case. Hell, any substantive discussion would quench my thirst a little. Can you tell I like the word "substantive" right now? Also, I've taken to "effectuate" and "pursuant (to)".
So, in short, this was what she said. Sorry I pulled a 180 on you, there. It probably would have happened whether or not you sent that e-mail (phew!). You were fantastic this past week. I actually remember other things about tat night more clearly than her exact words - funny, that. All I can say is that I was terribly relieved. It was especially nice to hear knowing she would be out of town until Sunday night.
I can't exactly tell you it's been a hell of a lot easier since then, though. That inexhaustible patience I mentioned is getting a workout, and I need to realize it's going to be like this for a long time; really, for the majority of time together.
I will say this though - we've talked on the phone every day since our first date. I'm pretty sure of that, maybe there was a day or two here or there. But that's a good thing, I think. Pretty good for me; I hate talking on the phone...I wonder if I'm just taking whatever I can from her right now, and if so, is that a bad thing? I don't like the lack of any semblance of control in this relationship - patience, patience - e.g., it felt like I got penciled into her datebook last night. (We're getting together Wednesday. I should be happy I got that much.)
The other option, I realize, is make a good faith effort to crank back my own feelings. Not to play it cool, to actually feel less strongly about/towards her.
Or, these two research projects could actually start, and I could spend time reading Establishment Clause and landlord/tenant cases instead of pondering the ins and outs of the heart of a CPP.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Someone's in my dictionary, up to no good
...I never find the very special words I should
I love that song, Banshee Beat by Animal Collective - I think I've featured that on the old sidebar lyric thing before.
- - -
I've only linked to other stuff once or twice before on this blog; I don't think I'm that kind of blogger. So far it's been a great dumping ground for me, as evidenced by all the CPP stuff you've seen here the last two weeks. Ah, the beginnings of relationships always provide great fodder.
That being said, I've been transfixed the last couple of days by this saga, and I hope you will be too. Long story short, the writer of the linked blog runs a dvd rental business. He's contacted by the creator of one of the dvd's, asked and/or told stop renting it. (I don't recall whether this was done, but it's almost immaterial.) He is then contacted via phone and e-mail by a Los Angeles attorney demanding same.
Then you get a long series of e-mails from this attorney, over the course of days, I think, that just made me laugh, laugh some more, and then feel sorry for the guy. Well, I don't want to ruin it. Trust me, you'll be entertained.
I'm also putting this up here because most of us are future lawyers. In a way, this a cautionary tale - not to caution us from behaving in this way, but to warn us that we will have to deal with this kind of attorney in our professional lives. I think we've all been out in the world, to a certain degree, enough to have run across some bad lawyers, so it shouldn't really be that surprising. Not surprising, but challenging.
My boss takes lawyer relations quite seriously, and in his take-addled-under-his wing mode (for now, we'll see) he's tried to impart the importance of it upon me. Example: he had a couple trials recently, and a couple summary judgment wins, before which, in pre-trial settlement discussions, opposing counsel has puffed themselves, and their clients' positions, unreasonably upon him. He was told at least once, "you're going to pay my fees and costs"; nothing gets him more riled up than this. No one who reads this has met the boss, I don't think - trust me when I tell you he doesn't need any riling up at all.
So here's the advice* he gives me: don't do anything to make your opponent work harder. Don't get in their face, don't posture (more than necessary). Some of these attorneys were young, taking on losing cases, and had a lot of time on their hands to work the case - he didn't want to give them any reason to spend any more time on them.
I think that's pretty good advice.
*everything's a lesson lately, which is starting to get annoying, more on that later.
I love that song, Banshee Beat by Animal Collective - I think I've featured that on the old sidebar lyric thing before.
- - -
I've only linked to other stuff once or twice before on this blog; I don't think I'm that kind of blogger. So far it's been a great dumping ground for me, as evidenced by all the CPP stuff you've seen here the last two weeks. Ah, the beginnings of relationships always provide great fodder.
That being said, I've been transfixed the last couple of days by this saga, and I hope you will be too. Long story short, the writer of the linked blog runs a dvd rental business. He's contacted by the creator of one of the dvd's, asked and/or told stop renting it. (I don't recall whether this was done, but it's almost immaterial.) He is then contacted via phone and e-mail by a Los Angeles attorney demanding same.
Then you get a long series of e-mails from this attorney, over the course of days, I think, that just made me laugh, laugh some more, and then feel sorry for the guy. Well, I don't want to ruin it. Trust me, you'll be entertained.
I'm also putting this up here because most of us are future lawyers. In a way, this a cautionary tale - not to caution us from behaving in this way, but to warn us that we will have to deal with this kind of attorney in our professional lives. I think we've all been out in the world, to a certain degree, enough to have run across some bad lawyers, so it shouldn't really be that surprising. Not surprising, but challenging.
My boss takes lawyer relations quite seriously, and in his take-addled-under-his wing mode (for now, we'll see) he's tried to impart the importance of it upon me. Example: he had a couple trials recently, and a couple summary judgment wins, before which, in pre-trial settlement discussions, opposing counsel has puffed themselves, and their clients' positions, unreasonably upon him. He was told at least once, "you're going to pay my fees and costs"; nothing gets him more riled up than this. No one who reads this has met the boss, I don't think - trust me when I tell you he doesn't need any riling up at all.
So here's the advice* he gives me: don't do anything to make your opponent work harder. Don't get in their face, don't posture (more than necessary). Some of these attorneys were young, taking on losing cases, and had a lot of time on their hands to work the case - he didn't want to give them any reason to spend any more time on them.
I think that's pretty good advice.
*everything's a lesson lately, which is starting to get annoying, more on that later.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Oxygen and carbon dioxide
Did my second group run last night, and damn, did I do well! I don't have a consistent or accurate metric, but I beat the two girls I was hoping to beat, and also beat a third girl I was hoping to beat, but after I realized she may have a hard time because of her asthma, so I don't feel as good about that win. Yeah, I know I'm all proud of beating girls; if there were dudes that I was hoping to beat, I'd be happy about that too. But I started running with the aforementioned two, and they're in better shape than I, so I'm happy. Despite pride being a sin.
We all cooled down, drank some water, and I went to grab my stuff from my friend's car. Upon said grabbing, what did I do? I had a motherfucking cigarette. I am incorrigible. Seriously, fifteen minutes after running 3 miles, in which I really pushed myself, and I have to pollute my lungs and environment around me with a damn smoke. What's wrong with me?
We all cooled down, drank some water, and I went to grab my stuff from my friend's car. Upon said grabbing, what did I do? I had a motherfucking cigarette. I am incorrigible. Seriously, fifteen minutes after running 3 miles, in which I really pushed myself, and I have to pollute my lungs and environment around me with a damn smoke. What's wrong with me?
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
all the things you are
Knowing one's self has got to be the greatest gift a person has. I used to marvel at the wisdom of Laertes' words, "To thine own self be true", while sending his son away; yes, indeed, though it is a task more difficult than those simple words make it seem.
Had a good weekend with Sister, Brother-in-Law, Niece, Nephew and Mom; the only setback was Bro-in-Law and Mom getting deathly ill with a 24-hour-ish bug while they were here (!). That must have sucked, bug time. Mom pushed through, God bless her, because she was desperate to do 2 things: buy me some clothes, and meet CPP.
Saturday evening CPP and I had dinner with Sister and the kids; that went well. They seemed to like each other, though CPP was definitely guarded. Who wouldn't be? We had wanted to go out more, but in dropping the kids off at the hotel Sister turned on Mom mode and decided she had to stay in. It was for the best, for me, anyway; CPP and I went up to a wine bar/restaurant, held hands across the table and shared a nice if somewhat frugal bottle of red and retired to her apartment. You know those nice evenings where you talk for an hour somewhere, and things just seem to fall into place? This was one of those nights.
Mom powered up the next day and took me shopping, spending WAY more than she had to. I got a more than a few nice shirts, ties, and a new suit out of the deal - "deal", she just bought 'em. I told her this would suffice as a graduation gift, as it will be the suit (navy pinstripe) that I interview in. I hope she takes me up on the offer.
We had a farewell lunch and CPP joined; I had been warning the family to be nice to her, and they all were. By nice, I mean, don't pepper her with questions, make her uncomfortable and all that; anyway, I think all parties were pleased with the outcome. I was, anyway, even despite the call for a pic of CPP and I at the end of the day.
Fast forward to Monday night. (Another good evening with her Sunday, actually, but that's a post for another time, if ever). I figured I wouldn't see her, as I had Law Review 'function' to attend. Nevertheless, on the phone with her twice that evening she was a complete raging bitch. The end of the second conversation had me all riled up. I tried to cool off for a few minutes, and I think it actually worked, because I picked up the phone to call her back, dialed her number, then hung up, realizing I didn't yet know how to put into words what I was thinking or feeling - mind you, all I was thinking/feeling was "I don't like how we ended that conversation - we're ok, right?" That would have been the wiser course, I think, for I turned to the other mode of conversation in this modern world - e-mail.
Now, I used to drunk dial. I used to, and still do, drunk text. Now I've gotten into the awful habit of drunk e-mailing. (I should say here that I had a couple beers at the LR thing and was at the time polishing off the remnants of a bottle of red). So, knowing she wouldn't get it until the next morning (no internet at home - for shame), I turn to the computer to dash off a message to her, really just trying to express that above-noted feeling - "we're ok, right?"
But instead, I let my world-renowned verbosity take over, and end up saying everything that's on my mind. The conversation we had had, and to which I was specifically reacting, was dominated by talk of two things: my future, and our future. I was rambling on about NYC and San Francisco, how I was hopeful and confident, and so looking forward to my future life. Now, if you know her, you know that she does not yet have a job. I think, actually I know, this is causing her some stress. It is for this reason that she will likely (um, like 99% sure) be heading back home after graduation (back home is that big city to the west that I won't mention 'cause I'm desperately anonymous).
So, there's basically the two points of issue; thing is, she got pissy with me about talking about my future, while I was getting agitated about her future. After I had finished a long rant about my future, she said, "Yeah, I was optimistic when I was your age, too." Note, of course, that I'm five years older than her, though I knew what she meant - she had high hopes as a rising 3L as well, but now stands as an unemployed graduate trying to learn all she can to pass the bar. Whereas I was stressing out about the fact that she would be gone in August; she will be gone in August.
So, I start composing the e-mail. It started out so well. I told her how I understood what she was going through, the stress she was feeling, and how it probably wasn't too pleasant to listen to me ramble about all my prospects. I let her know I would 'keep that shit to a minimum.' I thought that was a pretty nice thing to say, and do (if I can actually do it). But then I inserted my own shit in there too - thinking, foolishly - that our future was an issue as well. I suggested various options: she stays here, we do some long-distance thing; that went over like a bag of bricks. I don't know; in hindsight I still can't deny the possibility that she was upset over the 'our future' thing too, but her response makes me think that isn't the case.
She gave me the old, 'slow down' response. Actually, truth be told, I e-mailed her a second message saying maybe I was a little too intense in that first message, please disregard anything I said that may have made you think twice about us. Anyway, she was rather displeased about the whole thing, and now I haven't seen her since Sunday.
As I write this, possibly my longest blog post ever (not that there's a lot to compare it to), I wonder if I'm overreacting in a big way. I just get the feeling that she's incredibly reticent about our relationship (such as it is). Of course, it could also be that she's so bogged down in bar review that the stress of it is overwhelming her, and she needs to concentrate on one thing at a time, and I have to take a back seat; I'm really okay with that, as long as I re-enter the picture at some point. Have we established enough of a foundation that she won't just move away, no big deal, just a little summer fling?
The other thing is, we seemed so simpatico just a few days ago. I thought we were on the same page on just about everything, and one unfortunate e-mail later, all of a sudden I'm way in front of this relationship. Ugh. Something I told her in the above-mentioned second e-mail, and a theme I hope I can reiterate to her through these next 5 weeks: I just want to be with you. Something I hope I can practice, without freaking out at not seeing her for a week: I just want to be with you. Something I hope she believes about me, even if I do get crazy every once in a while: I just want to be with you.
- - -
Edit to add:
Anyone who read this whole thing shouldn't have to read any more, but there is this: I think it should be getting easier to calm down about CPP, play it cool, be cool, etc., as I will soon be starting a research assistant position, and I actually just applied for a second one. So, if I get the second, that's an extra 20-26 hours a week I'll have to be busy and chill the fuck out.
Honestly, none of this really bothers me that much - I think the problem I have is that I thought she was right there with me, thinking, feeling the same as I was. And maybe she was, only she really knows - but that's immaterial, I suppose, for it is now the way it is now. That makes sense, right?
Had a good weekend with Sister, Brother-in-Law, Niece, Nephew and Mom; the only setback was Bro-in-Law and Mom getting deathly ill with a 24-hour-ish bug while they were here (!). That must have sucked, bug time. Mom pushed through, God bless her, because she was desperate to do 2 things: buy me some clothes, and meet CPP.
Saturday evening CPP and I had dinner with Sister and the kids; that went well. They seemed to like each other, though CPP was definitely guarded. Who wouldn't be? We had wanted to go out more, but in dropping the kids off at the hotel Sister turned on Mom mode and decided she had to stay in. It was for the best, for me, anyway; CPP and I went up to a wine bar/restaurant, held hands across the table and shared a nice if somewhat frugal bottle of red and retired to her apartment. You know those nice evenings where you talk for an hour somewhere, and things just seem to fall into place? This was one of those nights.
Mom powered up the next day and took me shopping, spending WAY more than she had to. I got a more than a few nice shirts, ties, and a new suit out of the deal - "deal", she just bought 'em. I told her this would suffice as a graduation gift, as it will be the suit (navy pinstripe) that I interview in. I hope she takes me up on the offer.
We had a farewell lunch and CPP joined; I had been warning the family to be nice to her, and they all were. By nice, I mean, don't pepper her with questions, make her uncomfortable and all that; anyway, I think all parties were pleased with the outcome. I was, anyway, even despite the call for a pic of CPP and I at the end of the day.
Fast forward to Monday night. (Another good evening with her Sunday, actually, but that's a post for another time, if ever). I figured I wouldn't see her, as I had Law Review 'function' to attend. Nevertheless, on the phone with her twice that evening she was a complete raging bitch. The end of the second conversation had me all riled up. I tried to cool off for a few minutes, and I think it actually worked, because I picked up the phone to call her back, dialed her number, then hung up, realizing I didn't yet know how to put into words what I was thinking or feeling - mind you, all I was thinking/feeling was "I don't like how we ended that conversation - we're ok, right?" That would have been the wiser course, I think, for I turned to the other mode of conversation in this modern world - e-mail.
Now, I used to drunk dial. I used to, and still do, drunk text. Now I've gotten into the awful habit of drunk e-mailing. (I should say here that I had a couple beers at the LR thing and was at the time polishing off the remnants of a bottle of red). So, knowing she wouldn't get it until the next morning (no internet at home - for shame), I turn to the computer to dash off a message to her, really just trying to express that above-noted feeling - "we're ok, right?"
But instead, I let my world-renowned verbosity take over, and end up saying everything that's on my mind. The conversation we had had, and to which I was specifically reacting, was dominated by talk of two things: my future, and our future. I was rambling on about NYC and San Francisco, how I was hopeful and confident, and so looking forward to my future life. Now, if you know her, you know that she does not yet have a job. I think, actually I know, this is causing her some stress. It is for this reason that she will likely (um, like 99% sure) be heading back home after graduation (back home is that big city to the west that I won't mention 'cause I'm desperately anonymous).
So, there's basically the two points of issue; thing is, she got pissy with me about talking about my future, while I was getting agitated about her future. After I had finished a long rant about my future, she said, "Yeah, I was optimistic when I was your age, too." Note, of course, that I'm five years older than her, though I knew what she meant - she had high hopes as a rising 3L as well, but now stands as an unemployed graduate trying to learn all she can to pass the bar. Whereas I was stressing out about the fact that she would be gone in August; she will be gone in August.
So, I start composing the e-mail. It started out so well. I told her how I understood what she was going through, the stress she was feeling, and how it probably wasn't too pleasant to listen to me ramble about all my prospects. I let her know I would 'keep that shit to a minimum.' I thought that was a pretty nice thing to say, and do (if I can actually do it). But then I inserted my own shit in there too - thinking, foolishly - that our future was an issue as well. I suggested various options: she stays here, we do some long-distance thing; that went over like a bag of bricks. I don't know; in hindsight I still can't deny the possibility that she was upset over the 'our future' thing too, but her response makes me think that isn't the case.
She gave me the old, 'slow down' response. Actually, truth be told, I e-mailed her a second message saying maybe I was a little too intense in that first message, please disregard anything I said that may have made you think twice about us. Anyway, she was rather displeased about the whole thing, and now I haven't seen her since Sunday.
As I write this, possibly my longest blog post ever (not that there's a lot to compare it to), I wonder if I'm overreacting in a big way. I just get the feeling that she's incredibly reticent about our relationship (such as it is). Of course, it could also be that she's so bogged down in bar review that the stress of it is overwhelming her, and she needs to concentrate on one thing at a time, and I have to take a back seat; I'm really okay with that, as long as I re-enter the picture at some point. Have we established enough of a foundation that she won't just move away, no big deal, just a little summer fling?
The other thing is, we seemed so simpatico just a few days ago. I thought we were on the same page on just about everything, and one unfortunate e-mail later, all of a sudden I'm way in front of this relationship. Ugh. Something I told her in the above-mentioned second e-mail, and a theme I hope I can reiterate to her through these next 5 weeks: I just want to be with you. Something I hope I can practice, without freaking out at not seeing her for a week: I just want to be with you. Something I hope she believes about me, even if I do get crazy every once in a while: I just want to be with you.
- - -
Edit to add:
Anyone who read this whole thing shouldn't have to read any more, but there is this: I think it should be getting easier to calm down about CPP, play it cool, be cool, etc., as I will soon be starting a research assistant position, and I actually just applied for a second one. So, if I get the second, that's an extra 20-26 hours a week I'll have to be busy and chill the fuck out.
Honestly, none of this really bothers me that much - I think the problem I have is that I thought she was right there with me, thinking, feeling the same as I was. And maybe she was, only she really knows - but that's immaterial, I suppose, for it is now the way it is now. That makes sense, right?
Saturday, June 16, 2007
While birds and rich folks flew right on by
Minor template change here - well, I suppose there's no degree of change when you change the whole thing...I actually looked into TypePad and LiveJournal for thirty seconds before just deciding to change to a different standard template. But this blog seems to be going well, so now I'm thinking of putting a little more effort into the look and feel of it. We'll see how it goes.
Mom, Sister, Niece (7) & Nephew (9 months) arrive in about an hour and a half, to stay for about 36 hours. It's a 5 hour drive; I'm not sure why they chose to get here on Saturday afternoon only to leave again the next day...they said it's tough with the kids, and I know it is (well, I don't, really), but why should that make a difference? Get here Friday night, leave Sunday night. Much better.
Mom's never been here, as she lives many hundreds - nay, thousands - of miles away. She's taking a well-deserved few months off work, and spending one with Sis , so they decided to pop over and check the place out. Sis has been here a few times already, bless her heart, and each time we've shown Niece the wonders of this town.* But I'm rather excited to have Mom see the place, too - I'm pretty close with my Mom, though less so in the last few years...I wonder why that is. I think I'm starting to feel like a grown-up (finally) - not that that means I have to drift away from family - just that I'm starting to concentrate on other things, other stresses...
Went out last night with some friends/classmates - these two, with whom the night began, are two of the few friends with whom I feel like I can discuss law school related issues with boring them, or getting the inevitable, "can we talk about something other than law school?" Any way, Cutie Patootie Poo joined us, and when she arrived, I thought we were going to leave straight away, as she's still a bit uncomfortable with my friends. She doesn't know them as well, and doesn't want the rumor mill to grind away, as it inevitably will - maybe she just wants to forebear it as long as possible, which, frankly, is fine by me. That being said, I've never been one to be gossiped about much, and that's a good thing.
So she stayed, and with each drink she ordered I ordered another. I was pretty surprised, but pleased. Some of her friends eventually came by, which was probably good for her - or bad, as we left together, likely kick starting the aforementioned mill.
One last note about CPP - I'm finding that I tell her my thoughts and feelings a lot - maybe too much. I'm going to try to tone it down a bit, in an effort to play/be cool. So? That means this blog will have to be my outlet for said thoughts/feelings; so if any of you are or become sick and damn tired of reading about me and CPP, I'm going to have to ask you to deal with it. I'm very much in touch with my girly emotional side, and believe me, I've tried to suppress it before, but at my age I realize that is a futile endeavor. I am who I am, and if it doesn't let itself out here, it will bleed out in real life, and that can get messy.
Finally, a personal note to one reader:
AC, I miss you terribly, and I'm sorry I never write or IM you anymore. I hope your studies are going swimmingly (everyone here is killing themselves and miserable), your man is treating you well and talking your ear off about various internet/IP issues, and that you miss me too.
Cheers, everyone; have a wonderful weekend.
*I think pretty much everyone who reads this blog realizes the sarcasm/facetiousness of that comment, right?
- - -
Mom, Sister, Niece (7) & Nephew (9 months) arrive in about an hour and a half, to stay for about 36 hours. It's a 5 hour drive; I'm not sure why they chose to get here on Saturday afternoon only to leave again the next day...they said it's tough with the kids, and I know it is (well, I don't, really), but why should that make a difference? Get here Friday night, leave Sunday night. Much better.
Mom's never been here, as she lives many hundreds - nay, thousands - of miles away. She's taking a well-deserved few months off work, and spending one with Sis , so they decided to pop over and check the place out. Sis has been here a few times already, bless her heart, and each time we've shown Niece the wonders of this town.* But I'm rather excited to have Mom see the place, too - I'm pretty close with my Mom, though less so in the last few years...I wonder why that is. I think I'm starting to feel like a grown-up (finally) - not that that means I have to drift away from family - just that I'm starting to concentrate on other things, other stresses...
- - -
Went out last night with some friends/classmates - these two, with whom the night began, are two of the few friends with whom I feel like I can discuss law school related issues with boring them, or getting the inevitable, "can we talk about something other than law school?" Any way, Cutie Patootie Poo joined us, and when she arrived, I thought we were going to leave straight away, as she's still a bit uncomfortable with my friends. She doesn't know them as well, and doesn't want the rumor mill to grind away, as it inevitably will - maybe she just wants to forebear it as long as possible, which, frankly, is fine by me. That being said, I've never been one to be gossiped about much, and that's a good thing.
So she stayed, and with each drink she ordered I ordered another. I was pretty surprised, but pleased. Some of her friends eventually came by, which was probably good for her - or bad, as we left together, likely kick starting the aforementioned mill.
One last note about CPP - I'm finding that I tell her my thoughts and feelings a lot - maybe too much. I'm going to try to tone it down a bit, in an effort to play/be cool. So? That means this blog will have to be my outlet for said thoughts/feelings; so if any of you are or become sick and damn tired of reading about me and CPP, I'm going to have to ask you to deal with it. I'm very much in touch with my girly emotional side, and believe me, I've tried to suppress it before, but at my age I realize that is a futile endeavor. I am who I am, and if it doesn't let itself out here, it will bleed out in real life, and that can get messy.
- - -
Finally, a personal note to one reader:
AC, I miss you terribly, and I'm sorry I never write or IM you anymore. I hope your studies are going swimmingly (everyone here is killing themselves and miserable), your man is treating you well and talking your ear off about various internet/IP issues, and that you miss me too.
- - -
Cheers, everyone; have a wonderful weekend.
*I think pretty much everyone who reads this blog realizes the sarcasm/facetiousness of that comment, right?
Friday, June 15, 2007
I wear a coat of feelings and they are loud
An appropriate lyric for me, I think, something an old undergrad professor noted about me once (man, I wonder what she's doing these days?), but it has little or nothing to do with the subject of this post...
Last night I participated in my first organized "fun run" - there is this running club that meets every Thursday at a local Irish pub, runs a 3-mile route, then sticks around for beers. Participate 6 times, get a free t-shirt (a rather nice one, too). It was witnessing this once, a couple weeks ago (same night I confessed my crush to Cutie Patootie Poo), that inspired me to start running.
Now remember, folks, Addled is a 32-year-old smoker (for 10+ years [!]) who is not much of an exerciser. Prior to the running, I had started to try some yoga at home, thanks to a nice beginner's video on YouTube, and pushups and situps once in a while. But running? That was beyond me, certainly.
A friend of mine, let's call her "Alison," said she'd run with me, and I gladly accepted, because she's a beginner too, so at least I'd have someone with me who sucked as bad I do. We went out Monday and Tuesday, running about 3 miles each time - well, running/walking, which is the advice I received from Cutie Patootie Poo, a girl who has run 3 freaking marathons - and we ran/walked also last night. We need to get better, because I had to kick it into high gear at the end last night in order to beat a couple of 50+ year olds to avoid last place...
I hope Cutie Patootie Poo (CPP) doesn't think my newfound interest in running has anything to do with her...it really doesn't, as a matter of fact. I'm doing it for me, to get in shape, to help me quit smoking, and, to quote one of my favorite lines from the most overrated movie of all time, "I want to look good naked". So, maybe part of it is for her benefit...
Last night I participated in my first organized "fun run" - there is this running club that meets every Thursday at a local Irish pub, runs a 3-mile route, then sticks around for beers. Participate 6 times, get a free t-shirt (a rather nice one, too). It was witnessing this once, a couple weeks ago (same night I confessed my crush to Cutie Patootie Poo), that inspired me to start running.
Now remember, folks, Addled is a 32-year-old smoker (for 10+ years [!]) who is not much of an exerciser. Prior to the running, I had started to try some yoga at home, thanks to a nice beginner's video on YouTube, and pushups and situps once in a while. But running? That was beyond me, certainly.
A friend of mine, let's call her "Alison," said she'd run with me, and I gladly accepted, because she's a beginner too, so at least I'd have someone with me who sucked as bad I do. We went out Monday and Tuesday, running about 3 miles each time - well, running/walking, which is the advice I received from Cutie Patootie Poo, a girl who has run 3 freaking marathons - and we ran/walked also last night. We need to get better, because I had to kick it into high gear at the end last night in order to beat a couple of 50+ year olds to avoid last place...
I hope Cutie Patootie Poo (CPP) doesn't think my newfound interest in running has anything to do with her...it really doesn't, as a matter of fact. I'm doing it for me, to get in shape, to help me quit smoking, and, to quote one of my favorite lines from the most overrated movie of all time, "I want to look good naked". So, maybe part of it is for her benefit...
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
time passes slowly then it fades away
I received a comment yesterday (irl) about the tone of the past few posts - I believe he called it "introspective." It bothered me a little,* I have to admit; is this a problem, me talking about my feelings, my introspective side? I'm not getting a lot of comments here - why is that? Do you all think I'm joking, or lying? I can see you shaking your head and thinking, "Addled, you didn't go on a date with a girl, we all know you're gay..."
Well, nuh-uh. Not gay, just shy and picky. Even the girl of the moment had to press the issue, which is something I don't necessarily regret; in fact, as I think of it, a lot of my past girlfriends have pursued me, in varying degrees. I think part of it is laziness, too; also fear, I can't deny it. I've gotten pretty damn comfortable being alone - no obligations, much cheaper, I can sit in my jammies all night long and watch tv all weekend if I want to (and have).
Anyway, I'm somewhat dubious about this one now. Chances are she'll be gone in a month and a half, or sooner, so I think I'm going to go for the "let's enjoy each other as much as we can in our short time together" mode. Talking to sister last night we decided there are risks with any approach, and frankly I'm all too often guilty of overthinking things, so all my efforts now shall go into not overthinking, just enjoying. Let's see how that goes.
* Not that much though, so don't worry about it, P. It bothers me more that you're not going to be living near me next year - oh the fun we could have had...
Well, nuh-uh. Not gay, just shy and picky. Even the girl of the moment had to press the issue, which is something I don't necessarily regret; in fact, as I think of it, a lot of my past girlfriends have pursued me, in varying degrees. I think part of it is laziness, too; also fear, I can't deny it. I've gotten pretty damn comfortable being alone - no obligations, much cheaper, I can sit in my jammies all night long and watch tv all weekend if I want to (and have).
Anyway, I'm somewhat dubious about this one now. Chances are she'll be gone in a month and a half, or sooner, so I think I'm going to go for the "let's enjoy each other as much as we can in our short time together" mode. Talking to sister last night we decided there are risks with any approach, and frankly I'm all too often guilty of overthinking things, so all my efforts now shall go into not overthinking, just enjoying. Let's see how that goes.
* Not that much though, so don't worry about it, P. It bothers me more that you're not going to be living near me next year - oh the fun we could have had...
Monday, June 11, 2007
the Bitter Pill Yet Undiscovered
Going back to my desire to title posts with song lyrics, the above is a somewhat interesting choice, and I'll tell you why in a second. Now, I often pick a lyric from a song that I'm listening to at the time, as I did just now. The song is Rapture by Pedro the Lion (a band I'm not totally in love with, but I do like that song), and it's about - well, it's about sex. Just plain, raw, animal sex. But it's about cheating sex, which, if the song is true, must be pretty hot (never done it myself).
So, it's interesting because something I learned about the girl* last night was how much she despises infidelity. It was sorta weird; she had a strong visceral reaction to it (I think we may have been watching Manhattan Murder Mystery, one of my all-time favorite Woody Allen movies, and Woody has no shortage of infidelity in his films), and I wasn't sure how to react, other than to say, "yeah, cheating is wrong." I'm willing to bet I said it better than that, but you get the picture.
The date went well. We took a little while to get comfortable, but the wine and my narrow sofa helped cuddle us up. She stayed for around 7 hours, and time really flew. I'm finding now that I don't want to talk about it too much - why is that? Cause it'll sound stupid if we're still together in a while (are we 'together' now? after one date? Maybe, after her rant against infidelity), or broken up? Cause I don't want to jinx it? Maybe instead of trying to play it cool, I should actually be cool. Like the Fonz - eeeyyyyyy!
(that was supposed to sound like Fonzie's trademarked saying. it does, right?)
*I need to think of a pseudonym for her. Suggestions? Matilda? Miriam? Lillian? Actually, I like all those names.
So, it's interesting because something I learned about the girl* last night was how much she despises infidelity. It was sorta weird; she had a strong visceral reaction to it (I think we may have been watching Manhattan Murder Mystery, one of my all-time favorite Woody Allen movies, and Woody has no shortage of infidelity in his films), and I wasn't sure how to react, other than to say, "yeah, cheating is wrong." I'm willing to bet I said it better than that, but you get the picture.
The date went well. We took a little while to get comfortable, but the wine and my narrow sofa helped cuddle us up. She stayed for around 7 hours, and time really flew. I'm finding now that I don't want to talk about it too much - why is that? Cause it'll sound stupid if we're still together in a while (are we 'together' now? after one date? Maybe, after her rant against infidelity), or broken up? Cause I don't want to jinx it? Maybe instead of trying to play it cool, I should actually be cool. Like the Fonz - eeeyyyyyy!
(that was supposed to sound like Fonzie's trademarked saying. it does, right?)
*I need to think of a pseudonym for her. Suggestions? Matilda? Miriam? Lillian? Actually, I like all those names.
one or two won't do...
Well, maybe a fuller recap later, but she just left my house (we did it at my house so she wouldn't have to cart my ass home late at night), and here's the post-date text messages:
So, good times.
me: Sorry for keeping you so late...but I've got a big smile on my face right now.
her: me too.
So, good times.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Oh, fuck it I guess I lost
This week started out well enough, but by Thursday I had lost virtually all my motivation. I'm not sure what happened, but it was miserable and my work suffered. I feel I should be able to power through slow times, but this probably happens to everyone, so maybe I should stop bitching about it...
My boss does something weird, any other people who work, tell me if this happens to you. I'll write something, a pleading usually, put it under boss' nose, and he edits, returns it me to make changes. Then, after reviewing the second draft, he'll find more and more wrong with it, and when giving it back to me, he'll act all disappointed that I gave him a second draft seemingly worse than the first, when in fact it's virtually the same, only with his changes. What gives? Maybe he's taking a closer look at it the second time, or maybe he expects me to make changes beyond his specific edits the first time. It's a little weird.
Sunday night: watching a movie with a girl at her house. Not ready to call it a date yet, but it sorta feels like one, anyway. We've expressed very little to one another in terms of expectations, or where we are in our lives, beyond the fact that I told her a week and a half ago that I'd harbored a crush for her a while back. While I blithely suggested we get together sometime, it was her idea to watch a movie together at her house. So that's pretty cool - I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit how long it's been for me, so at the same time I'm trying to play it cool. I'll let everyone know how it goes on Monday.
Have a good weekend, everyone!
My boss does something weird, any other people who work, tell me if this happens to you. I'll write something, a pleading usually, put it under boss' nose, and he edits, returns it me to make changes. Then, after reviewing the second draft, he'll find more and more wrong with it, and when giving it back to me, he'll act all disappointed that I gave him a second draft seemingly worse than the first, when in fact it's virtually the same, only with his changes. What gives? Maybe he's taking a closer look at it the second time, or maybe he expects me to make changes beyond his specific edits the first time. It's a little weird.
Sunday night: watching a movie with a girl at her house. Not ready to call it a date yet, but it sorta feels like one, anyway. We've expressed very little to one another in terms of expectations, or where we are in our lives, beyond the fact that I told her a week and a half ago that I'd harbored a crush for her a while back. While I blithely suggested we get together sometime, it was her idea to watch a movie together at her house. So that's pretty cool - I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit how long it's been for me, so at the same time I'm trying to play it cool. I'll let everyone know how it goes on Monday.
Have a good weekend, everyone!
Thursday, June 7, 2007
This Paralegal is Driving Me Crazy
She's a good gal, hard working, smart, and all that crap, but she will just not shut the fuck up for 2 seconds. Boss is at a hearing, other employee is out of town, so it's just me and her, and she won't stop bugging me. Smoke break time is fast approaching.
I think I've been a little anxious this morning, thinking about my future for some reason. Boss keeps telling me to relax, to enjoy this summer as much as I can, for it's the last time I'll really have. And frankly, he's right, and I should enjoy the summer, and I will, but today I've been pondering all I need to do in the next few months to prepare myself for my future. Getting contacts, feet in various doors, applying for fellowships, clerkships, writing and rewriting cover letters and various versions of my resume...god, enough, you get the picture.
I was planning on not going out tonight, but now maybe I will. It'll help me destress a bit and more actively enjoy the summer. Anyone up for some happy hours after work tonight?
I think I've been a little anxious this morning, thinking about my future for some reason. Boss keeps telling me to relax, to enjoy this summer as much as I can, for it's the last time I'll really have. And frankly, he's right, and I should enjoy the summer, and I will, but today I've been pondering all I need to do in the next few months to prepare myself for my future. Getting contacts, feet in various doors, applying for fellowships, clerkships, writing and rewriting cover letters and various versions of my resume...god, enough, you get the picture.
I was planning on not going out tonight, but now maybe I will. It'll help me destress a bit and more actively enjoy the summer. Anyone up for some happy hours after work tonight?
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
When I feel like I'm gonna have to start I just have to stop
Terribly awesome weekend. Still recovering, physically. So here you go - prepare for verbosity.
Friday was going to be hectic, though I'd planned it to be a lazy (or as much as I am able to plan my own schedule, which isn't much, frankly): goof off in the morning, leave early. But Thursday I got a rush assignment, a memo for a post-litigation attack on the attorney fee award. The hearing was the next day, but this got dropped on my lap the day before - I don't know if boss had it, or if opposing counsel served his brief on us the day before as a courtesy or something. Anyway, it could have meant thousands of dollars, so I crank something out on his desk before end of business. I also get one of the graduated interns to come in the next morning to sign his declaration (opposing counsel was arguing legal assistance time, which is obtainable as reasonable legal fees*).
The next morning is the final hearing on this case, which boss (and graduated intern, who did a crapload on that case) won on summary judgment a couple weeks before. Boss asks me to come to court with him - sweet, right? Except at the last minute I have to stay to do other work: new filings, which I realize as I'm doing them, will extend my afternoon further than I want, because it's me who will be taking these 5 or 6 files to court this afternoon.
Oh well. I stay and churn out some cases, and when he returns, we won. I was happier than I realized. He thanked me for the work, which was a little unusual. Actually it was unheard of a few months ago, but I digress. But I'm also getting bored with my own story here, so that must mean that you've already closed this tab and moving on to some other exciting internet related item, such as this:
or this:
Anyway, they're called lolcats and they're funny. And there are multiple permutations of this meme out there too. I just used 'they're' twice in the 1st sentence and then 'there' twice in the 2nd. Weird. I checked it just to make sure I don't make that all too common there/their/they're mistake. My sister's a grammar/spelling person too. Hi Amy!
Yeah, so, Friday was cool. I feel like I don't wanna write the rest of my weekend now. So, have a nice Tuesday or Wednesday or whenever you read this. Just have a nice day.
* fellow students, or the recently graduated,** do you see how I even blog like I'm writing a brief? If I were at school I might have accidentally put a pinpoint cite after that sentence.
** hi, AC! I got an A in IP. :P
Friday was going to be hectic, though I'd planned it to be a lazy (or as much as I am able to plan my own schedule, which isn't much, frankly): goof off in the morning, leave early. But Thursday I got a rush assignment, a memo for a post-litigation attack on the attorney fee award. The hearing was the next day, but this got dropped on my lap the day before - I don't know if boss had it, or if opposing counsel served his brief on us the day before as a courtesy or something. Anyway, it could have meant thousands of dollars, so I crank something out on his desk before end of business. I also get one of the graduated interns to come in the next morning to sign his declaration (opposing counsel was arguing legal assistance time, which is obtainable as reasonable legal fees*).
The next morning is the final hearing on this case, which boss (and graduated intern, who did a crapload on that case) won on summary judgment a couple weeks before. Boss asks me to come to court with him - sweet, right? Except at the last minute I have to stay to do other work: new filings, which I realize as I'm doing them, will extend my afternoon further than I want, because it's me who will be taking these 5 or 6 files to court this afternoon.
Oh well. I stay and churn out some cases, and when he returns, we won. I was happier than I realized. He thanked me for the work, which was a little unusual. Actually it was unheard of a few months ago, but I digress. But I'm also getting bored with my own story here, so that must mean that you've already closed this tab and moving on to some other exciting internet related item, such as this:
or this:
Anyway, they're called lolcats and they're funny. And there are multiple permutations of this meme out there too. I just used 'they're' twice in the 1st sentence and then 'there' twice in the 2nd. Weird. I checked it just to make sure I don't make that all too common there/their/they're mistake. My sister's a grammar/spelling person too. Hi Amy!
Yeah, so, Friday was cool. I feel like I don't wanna write the rest of my weekend now. So, have a nice Tuesday or Wednesday or whenever you read this. Just have a nice day.
* fellow students, or the recently graduated,** do you see how I even blog like I'm writing a brief? If I were at school I might have accidentally put a pinpoint cite after that sentence.
** hi, AC! I got an A in IP. :P
Friday, June 1, 2007
I must fine because my heart's still beating
Ugh.
I expressed affection for no fewer than three women last night, culminating in the likely ill-advised e-mail that is recreated in the post below. The thing is, though, I meant it. To one girl I simply said (while she was giving me her phone number and asking me to call her this weekend, it should be noted) that I had had a crush on her since my 1L year (she'd been a tutor). No biggie.
To another, I put on my best wooing demeanor, and with alcohol-loosened tongue, tried to convince this lovely creature that we should be together. After refusing to kiss me (don't worry friends, I kept it light and airy), I persevered via text message. I pride myself on my expressive abilities in this medium - it takes a special skill, I believe, to get in a full thought in that limited space. I like at least a beginning and ending, and if I'm lucky I can squeeze in a substantive middle as well. Also, I insist on correct grammar and punctuation - is anyone else like that (I know Amy is)?
Anyway, I think it was all for naught - though maybe the runner will work out, who knows. I just hope I haven't crumbled the foundations of any friendships, which I sincerely want to preserve. I suppose I'm especially worried about the last one, the one I e-mailed last night. She doesn't seem like the type to respond well to this sort of thing. It occurs to me as I write this that she reads this blog, so I wonder if I should choose my words and thoughts carefully - seeing as how at 8:18am I do not have an alcohol-loosened tongue - but I think I need to say one other thing, God help me.
The last one is someone who needs to hear that stuff, perhaps more than anyone. (please bear in mind that I may be full of shit, but I'm going on anyway). From everything I've heard, from her and others, her fiance is a jackass - she deserves so much better than that. I don't regret e-mailing you, dear, and I hope you won't hold it against me during this, our last year together.
I expressed affection for no fewer than three women last night, culminating in the likely ill-advised e-mail that is recreated in the post below. The thing is, though, I meant it. To one girl I simply said (while she was giving me her phone number and asking me to call her this weekend, it should be noted) that I had had a crush on her since my 1L year (she'd been a tutor). No biggie.
To another, I put on my best wooing demeanor, and with alcohol-loosened tongue, tried to convince this lovely creature that we should be together. After refusing to kiss me (don't worry friends, I kept it light and airy), I persevered via text message. I pride myself on my expressive abilities in this medium - it takes a special skill, I believe, to get in a full thought in that limited space. I like at least a beginning and ending, and if I'm lucky I can squeeze in a substantive middle as well. Also, I insist on correct grammar and punctuation - is anyone else like that (I know Amy is)?
Anyway, I think it was all for naught - though maybe the runner will work out, who knows. I just hope I haven't crumbled the foundations of any friendships, which I sincerely want to preserve. I suppose I'm especially worried about the last one, the one I e-mailed last night. She doesn't seem like the type to respond well to this sort of thing. It occurs to me as I write this that she reads this blog, so I wonder if I should choose my words and thoughts carefully - seeing as how at 8:18am I do not have an alcohol-loosened tongue - but I think I need to say one other thing, God help me.
The last one is someone who needs to hear that stuff, perhaps more than anyone. (please bear in mind that I may be full of shit, but I'm going on anyway). From everything I've heard, from her and others, her fiance is a jackass - she deserves so much better than that. I don't regret e-mailing you, dear, and I hope you won't hold it against me during this, our last year together.
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Big fun weekend approaching. Friend from S-town arrives in T-Minus 5 hours - which will likely turn into 7 hours or so - and I got permission to leave work early. He picks me up at the office, and we head straight for the disc golf course. What is this 'disc golf' you speak of, I can hear you asking? Actually, I think most of you know about it, though perhaps someday I will post a big thing all about it. I barely play anymore, and mostly only when friend from S-town comes here, or I visit him there.
Hopefully we have enough energy to party like rock stars, because I love it when my non-law school friends meet my law school friends. I was pondering earlier why that is, and I think it's because I love all these folks so much, they are such quality people and friends, that I want to share them. Also, friend makes a great wing man, so maybe that'll help with runner-girl-who-gave-me-her-phone-number.
Big fun weekend approaching. Friend from S-town arrives in T-Minus 5 hours - which will likely turn into 7 hours or so - and I got permission to leave work early. He picks me up at the office, and we head straight for the disc golf course. What is this 'disc golf' you speak of, I can hear you asking? Actually, I think most of you know about it, though perhaps someday I will post a big thing all about it. I barely play anymore, and mostly only when friend from S-town comes here, or I visit him there.
Hopefully we have enough energy to party like rock stars, because I love it when my non-law school friends meet my law school friends. I was pondering earlier why that is, and I think it's because I love all these folks so much, they are such quality people and friends, that I want to share them. Also, friend makes a great wing man, so maybe that'll help with runner-girl-who-gave-me-her-phone-number.
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Speaking of running, I'm going to try it again. I'm convinced that I need to get rid of the gut and get healthy; I'm not getting any younger, and I think it's time I made myself look good. To what end? I don't know. There's a local running/drinking club that we saw last night while doing only the drinking part, and four of us decided to join. Two of the four, myself and a girl, are way out of shape, so we pledged to run together - I hope I don't wuss out. It'll help to have a partner - so I also hope she doesn't wuss out.
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Okay, that's enough for now. Back on Monday with more tongue-loosened thoughts, unrequited affection pledges, and disc golf tournament round-up.
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