will you surround me, so I can know if I am really real

A lovely night with CPP last night. Whenever we see each other now it's a little uncomfortable at first. In fact, I had gone for drinks with friends prior to our meeting; I called her after a while, thinking, come pick me up in 15 minutes, but I said how's about a half an hour? She said, yeah, half an hour, an hour, call me when you're done with your friends. 45 minutes later, I call. Another 45 minutes later she shows; I was annoyed. I thought of calling it off; I thought of walking to the store to annoy her back; none of these things would have been productive, and I remembered in the back of my mind how when she finally did show, I would feel better.

And I did. I tried to keep it light in an effort to fall back into the comfort zone we seem to find, even if after some period of unease. What is that? Why do we feel this way? I suppose I'm presuming she feels the same way as I; it is virtually unmistakable. This is actually only the second date we've been on since the slow-down (or the big freeze, as I sometimes think of it), so maybe we're finding a different kind of comfort level with each other now.

The night went well, we simply watched a movie (Black Snake Moan - surprisingly good, and it verged on greatness at times, only to be flung back into the realm of the ordinary as a result of the casting of one Justin Timberlake. What the fuck were they thinking with that one?). She showed me more pictures, something I'm coming to realize is one of her favorite activities - I think I've seen every pic in her house, and now more than a few she keeps online. We talked, and cuddled, and shared a few kisses.

At the end of the night we ended up talking about us, and the future. I found this very troubling, because I swore this would not happen. I don't remember how it started, if it was me or her, but I think it was her, so I feel less bad about it in that respect. Nevertheless, once that door is opened, I can't help but express myself. Those of you who know me (well, that's probably everyone who reads this) are probably aware that I talk a lot; that I have a lot to say; that I am never without an opinion or a thought I can express in no less than fifteen minutes...you get the picture.

I had to tell her that I understood, that I was okay with the way things were going. She said something that pops back into my head this morning - "don't lecture me on how you understand how busy I am, etc." - "lecture"? What the hell? Is that a comment on my verbosity? Or the tone I take sometimes when exercising said verbosity? My friend Matty (aka Henry, you know who I'm talking about, Jenny) and I were once walking through a grocery store; he started a topic of conversation, and I started my response with a pensive "Well..." He sighed and said something to the effect of, "oh, man, I know whenever you start out like that I'm going to get a long response..." He may as well have said "lecture." Jesus.

Back on topic. I tried to tell her, though I didn't actually go as far as saying this, that I was aware of, and comfortable with, the futility of our relationship. She said she didn't believe me; I'm not sure if I believe me, either. On the phone with Sis the other night, I came to the realization that this relationship would be over come September - probably earlier. I told her, as I did to CPP last night, a thought I'd had while walking from court the other day: "be patient, you'll have all the time in the world with her between August 1st and August 20th." This thought cracked me up - but neither Sis nor CPP got the joke. It's possible they're both a little slow (zing!). What is the joke? The futility of it all? I would call this exercise pointless, except it's not. I like her, and I know she likes me, as little as she may express it.

One more thing I'm thinking about. She became annoyed when she thought I had referred to her as my girlfriend. "I'm not your girlfriend," she says. This stems from a silly joke I made about 'my other girlfriend - and it wasn't for another hour or so that she had this reaction. My initial reaction was, yes you are - I'm not interested in seeing anybody else, and I presume she isn't either. Does that make us bf/gf?. My next reaction was, who gives a shit? Words, words words - nomenclature, it's a silly thing to get upset about.

Get to see her again tonight for the run, if only briefly, and in the company of others, when the freeze is especially chilly. But I'll take it.

edit to add: 6.29 - brrrr!