but the tears on her cheek are from laughter

I should give a CPP update; as much as I would like to stop writing about her/us, the rest of my life seems pretty dull, and since most of my readers are women who love me, this kind of stuff should give you the opportunity to sigh and ponder relationships. Or at least remember when your relationship was young and troubled.

But troubled it may not be, necessarily. Last week of the drama, minor, yes, but drama all the same, resolved itself somewhat nicely. I saw her Sunday night, the e-mail, the e-mail exchanges, then not again until Thursday. Thursday nights, of course, are the group run night, and I, with some friends, like to stick around and drink. There has been other law students there only for the alcohol, and this past Thursday we drank with them - even though they were lowly 1Ls. (Okay, rising 2Ls, and it's time, I think, to bestow upon them the respect that is deserving of finishing your 1st year of law school. Also, at least this group, I like.)

Anyway, post-run interactions were uncomfortable at best. We had a hard time communicating, getting into the rhythm of our banter. When we joined the group we didn't talk at all - I knew/know she hates public displays, but the message I was getting was that it's not okay to indicate any sort of special friendship here. Now, in hindsight, I think I understand a little better - we were hanging with a group we hadn't been with before, and even though all but one were people she would likely never see again (past this summer), the one had been in her class, and frankly she strikes me as the gossiping type. Here's an interesting CPP quirk: she doesn't want to be gossiped about, and I mean she just despises that thought - but she's a huge gossip herself. She's full of little wrinkles like this; I find it very interesting.

I digress. I had expected a couple drinks, a brush of the hand as a substitute for a goodbye kiss; but she remained, kept ordering drinks, so I remained, waiting to see how the night would play out. We met towards the end of the evening alone in the hallway - I stopped, thinking it was private enough for a kiss, but no - a kiss on the cheek was all I would get. Yeah, I was a little frustrated, but my inexhaustible patience took over, and I shrugged it off. Patience will be the word of Summer 2007.

The party was breaking up. We paid our bills, the 1Ls dispersed, and CPP and I walked off together on a really lovely early summer evening. Turns out her car was back at school (a mile, maybe a little more, walk), so we walked there. This was an interesting walk - she stayed a few steps ahead of me virtually the whole time, smiling, happy, being goofy and talking to every one of the people we passed. It was nice, actually, even if alcohol-induced; so much of the CPP I see is stressed out, worried, cautious; tonight I got a little carefree, a little joy in the everyday. There was no substantive conversation on this walk; notwithstanding the fact that I have all but abandoned such talk, at the time it seemed inappropriate.

Arrival at the car - I tell her a hundred feet earlier that I'll walk home, it was nice to see you again; but she barters me into a ride home on the promise of coming in for a few minutes. So here's the substantive discussion - and mind you, I wasn't nervous about a bad substantive discussion, as it seems (upon retelling) this might be the case. Hell, any substantive discussion would quench my thirst a little. Can you tell I like the word "substantive" right now? Also, I've taken to "effectuate" and "pursuant (to)".

So, in short, this was what she said. Sorry I pulled a 180 on you, there. It probably would have happened whether or not you sent that e-mail (phew!). You were fantastic this past week. I actually remember other things about tat night more clearly than her exact words - funny, that. All I can say is that I was terribly relieved. It was especially nice to hear knowing she would be out of town until Sunday night.

I can't exactly tell you it's been a hell of a lot easier since then, though. That inexhaustible patience I mentioned is getting a workout, and I need to realize it's going to be like this for a long time; really, for the majority of time together.

I will say this though - we've talked on the phone every day since our first date. I'm pretty sure of that, maybe there was a day or two here or there. But that's a good thing, I think. Pretty good for me; I hate talking on the phone...I wonder if I'm just taking whatever I can from her right now, and if so, is that a bad thing? I don't like the lack of any semblance of control in this relationship - patience, patience - e.g., it felt like I got penciled into her datebook last night. (We're getting together Wednesday. I should be happy I got that much.)

The other option, I realize, is make a good faith effort to crank back my own feelings. Not to play it cool, to actually feel less strongly about/towards her.

Or, these two research projects could actually start, and I could spend time reading Establishment Clause and landlord/tenant cases instead of pondering the ins and outs of the heart of a CPP.